Fostering Intercultural Communication--A Love Story

The intercultural ‘scenario’ you’re about to read is one that is relatively lengthy but very close to my heart. It is not a description of a single juncture in time, but rather a story of the seemingly unlikely union of two people.

As many couples would attest, marriage is hard work. It takes a significant amount of effort to overcome personal differences and make sacrifices and compromises. Different people have different backgrounds in terms of family structure, financial stability, education, beliefs and ideals. Interracial couples have additional, more inherent differences such as skin color, language, religious beliefs and so forth. Apart from that, interracial couples may have to deal with the added burden of negative stereotypes and derogatory comments by people who are not as open-minded to the idea of interracial relationships.
What makes an interracial marriage work? Before we go into that, let me introduce you to two very special people.

Ravinder Singh

Ravinder was born in Singapore in the late 1950’s to a humble Punjabi family. His father had come from India a few years before, and was struggling to make ends meet by starting up his own clothing business. Ravinder was English educated all his life. Even in those days in Singapore, it was mandatory for students to read a second language. At that time, Punjabi was not offered as a language, and many non-Tamil Indians in Singapore learned Malay as their second language. Ravinder is also able to speak colloquial Punjabi. Ravinder eventually made his way to NUS in the late 1970’s. Upon graduation, he began practicing as a lawyer, and continued to do so for the next 30 years.

Grace Tan
Grace was born in Singapore in the 1960’s into a wealthy Chinese family. Grace was brought up by her great-grandmother—a woman who was the epitome of class and refinement. As a young girl, Grace was an unwitting student in her great-grandmother’s home-based ‘finishing school’, where she learnt to always be gentle, well-mannered and cultured. Grace spoke almost no English while growing up as she was Chinese educated. She could speak a variety of Chinese dialects, as well as Malay.

Grace and Ravinder met each other in the 1980's. They dated for a couple of years, and when they decided to tie the knot, their decision was met with resistance from both their families. Both families held deeply-rooted stereotypes about the other’s race. Grace’s family thought that Indian men were excessive drinkers who beat their wives, and Ravinder’s family thought that all Chinese people were gamblers. However, Grace and Ravinder were determined to get married, and in April 1989, they tied the knot. 

If you haven’t already guessed it, Grace and Ravinder are my parents. As you can infer from the descriptions above, my parents come from very different backgrounds. In terms of race, language, religion, and even social backgrounds, my parents are nearly diametric opposites. So how did they manage to establish a relationship that defied the general norms of Singaporean couples in the 1980’s? Also, how did they manage to overcome the various religious, cultural and language barriers that had the potential to tear them apart?

Throughout the years, my parents have been through thick and thin together. From raising four wonderful children (hehehehe) to battling cancer, my parents have always stood by each other, and the issue of race and culture is almost never an issue. As a child, I never saw my parents as ‘Indian father’ and ‘Chinese mother’. In fact, if it wasn’t for the multitudes of questions and comments about my ethnicity, I wouldn’t even have realized that a biracial marriage was a big deal. Of course, as I grew older, I began to see things in a different light, and it finally hit me that my parents probably had to make quite a number of sacrifices in order to get and stay married. I’ve listed a few below.

 

#1: Language

When my parents met in the 1980’s, mom spoke minimal English, and she had no choice but to brush up on her English in order to hold a conversation with my father. Today, she is fluent in the language. In this respect, mom had to make special effort to pick up a language which was considered ‘foreign’ to her at the time. 

Also, while my siblings and I are all able to speak and write Mandarin pretty fluently, we know almost no Punjabi. My Punjabi grandparents have to speak to us in English, and they often express their disappointment at their grandchildren not being able to communicate with them in our ‘rightful’ mother tongue. However, my father decided that it was best for us study Mandarin instead of Punjabi, as he felt that it was a more useful in Singapore. (Most Punjabis in Singapore speak English anyway). 

#2: Religion

Another hot button issue I think many interracial/interreligious couples face is the religion (if any) in which their children should be raised. My mom was raised Buddhist and my dad was raised Sikh. To the surprise of many of my friends, both my parents are very tolerant and supportive of each other’s religions. I don’t ever recall my parents ever arguing having conflicts of interests in terms of which religion we should subscribe to. My siblings and I visit both the Buddhist and Sikh temples with my parents and I honestly cannot choose one religion over the other. 

#3: Holidays

Many people also ask me about the holidays I celebrate. I count myself very fortunate as I celebrate Chinese New Year and Deepavali (as well as many other Chinese and Indian holidays throughout the year). 

Of course there are countless other issues, but I can only describe so many. To sum up, my parents had to make quite a number of sacrifices and compromises in order to overcome their cultural and racial differences. However, I feel very blessed that I’ve been exposed to both Chinese and Indian cultures equally. My parents have made special efforts to ensure that we are proud of both our Chinese and Indian heritages. 

Today, interracial marriages are becoming increasingly common (approximately 17% of all marriages in Singapore in 2007 were interracial*) and many Singaporeans are becoming more receptive to the idea of marrying someone of a different race. Personally, I feel that this is a positive step towards racial and cultural understanding and harmony. However, there are still many who will fervently disagree. Still, interracial marriages are inevitable and will probably only increase in frequency, given the pervading forces of globalization and borderless communication. If we continue to hold on to unfounded stereotypes and unfair generalizations of different cultures, we will simply be alienating ourselves from the eventual ‘cosmopolitan culture’ of the future.

This April, my parents will be celebrating their 23^rd wedding anniversary. I want to dedicate this blog post to them. Their love and support for each other has touched and inspired me, and has reaffirmed my faith that cultural and racial differences need not be a barrier to any relationship.

*References:

http://www.singaporeunited.sg/cep/index.php/web/News-Room/No-mixed-feelings-over-mixed-marriages