85Happyface Lane
Singapore777888
Tel:91234567
Singapore777888
Tel:91234567
10 Feb 2012
MrJohn Bravo
Director of Student/Alumni Affairs
Munster Polytechnic
1313 Mockingbird Lane
Singapore 666666
Director of Student/Alumni Affairs
Munster Polytechnic
1313 Mockingbird Lane
Singapore 666666
Dear Mr Bravo
I would like to express my interest in an entry level position in Munster Polytechnic. Throughout the years, I have come to respect Munster Polytechnic’s firm vision to be a world-class educational institution that grooms its students to become exceptional members of the workforce. Also, my personal experience during my internship at Munster Polytechnic-motivated me to seek employment in this institution. I would like to be considered for the Technical Support Officer Position in the Polytechnic, beginning in July 2012. I will be graduating from the National University of Singapore(NUS) with a BSc in Life Sciences (Environmental Biology) in June 2012.
Evidence of communication skills with students of all ages can be seen in my previous experience as private tutor and a teaching assistant. I have had experience interacting with many students of upper-secondary and tertiary levels. Also, I am able to write and speak fluently in English,Mandarin and intermediate Bahasa Indonesia. I have had experience in leading groups of people to organize campus-wide events, during which I had to work long beyond my usual school hours. Also, I have keen interests in both the arts and sports.
Please review the enclosed resume for additional information about my past academic and work experience.I can be reached anytime via email at totalnutcase666@gmail.com,or on my mobile phone 91234567.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you soon about this employment opportunity.
Yours Sincerely
(Insert Signature here)
Tanisha Manocha
Hi Tanisha!
ReplyDeleteYour writing was very concise! Good job!
I'm just a bit picky with the somewhat "over-usage" of 'I's in the third paragraph. To me, this appears to shift the focus away from the needs of the firm. Maybe you could work on that.
Otherwise, it felt concrete, with the examples given in the 2nd para. I'd suggest adding in another specific achievement to show another quality that you possess.
Cheers!
Hi Kristyn!
ReplyDeleteYes I totally agree with you. I sound a bit self-centered hahaha. I'll make necessary adjustments for my actual cover letter.
Thank you!
Tanisha
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletehello tanisha. there are so many triple sixes in this letter *gasp*! haha. anyway, about your letter, the biggest problem i felt was that there is no emotions on your part. yes, it's very professional but i feel especially for a job where you will be interacting with people, you ought to come across as a passionate people-person. your approach is "here are my qualifications. ring me." which doesn't stand out very much and feels very impersonal.
ReplyDeleteyou have a very colourful resume which i think you could draw from. i suggest you bring out the more qualitative elements of all those activities that you brought up. i think it would really grab the employers if you showed interest in certain aspects of the job. for sure you could also bring out more characteristics about yourself or a strong sense of believing in what you will be doing that would make you come across as an excellent individual to be around students. it would also help if you brought out more adjectives describing yourself, rather than stating events or qualifications as you have done. i hope my comments help though they're not very articulate!
Hey Ariele!
DeleteHahaha yes the 666's were deliberate ;)
Thanks for your comments! Actually after reading what you said, I looked at my application letter with a fresh perspective and I see your point. I do seem to basically be rehashing my resume but changing the bullet points to full sentences haha.
I will definitely change my application for the final submission. Thank you for your help!
Tanisha
Hi Tanisha,
ReplyDeleteI think it will be better to state, at the start, that you are interested in a Technical Support Officer position instead of an entry level position. It will also be good to give a general description, in the first paragraph, on why you should get the job.
Your second paragraph gave very relevant information about how you can contribute to the school. But may I just check, what does the job of a Technical Support Officer encompass?
All in all, your letter was very concise. Good job there! (:
Joel
Hey Joel
DeleteThank you for commenting on my application letter! Yup I agree, I should go straight to the point. I was actually following the format of an application letter I found online. I guess it wasn't a very good model! :/
Every faculty in a polytechnic has its own Technical Support Officer. The faculty I am applying to is a non-academic faculty that is in charge of student and alumni welfare. The job requires me to write proposals, communicate with the student body, organize and manage student events such as orientation camps etc.
Thanks for your comments! :)
Tanisha
Hi Tanisha!
ReplyDeleteYour application letter is really concise! Good job on that! (:
Hm you might want to shift the part regarding your education to the next paragraph. The first paragraph should be why you want to join the company.
Also, the word "evidence" used in paragraph 2 reminds me of a situation whereby you have to prove yourself innocent in a crime case hahaha
Its a good job overall tho!
Hi Gladys!
ReplyDeleteI actually put the part about my graduating from NUS in the first paragraph in order to inform the potential employer that I would be available from the time of my graduation. However I do see your point. The sentence kind of sticks out like a sore thumb!
Haha I borrowed the word 'evidence' from one of the model application letters I read online. Like Ariele says, my letter sounds rather impersonal overall and I guess words like 'evidence' don't help!
Thank you for your comments, Gladys! I'll make relevant changes in my final application letter.
Tanisha :)
Hello Tanisha! :)
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I hope that that is not really your email. :D I like how direct and straight to the point your letter is. :) However, it can be better if you could include more ways in which you could contribute to the company with each of the skill/qualities you have! :) Another thing is, you might like to replace starting your sentence with something else other than "Also" which you did twice! :)
Keep up the good work! :D :D
Hey Jackie!
DeleteThank you for your comments! Haha rest assured that's not my actual email address :P Yup I'll be sure to add more information regarding my skills and how they can contribute to the company. Oops you're the first one to notice my multiple "also"s. I will make necessary changes.
Thank you Jackie!
Tanisha
Hey Tanisha！This is a concise good job! Form my opinions, the last sentence of first paragraph can be moved to next paragraph, the organization would be better. It is good to use more power words in first and second paragraphs to show your confidence and competence in the position. Your contact information can be included in closing or the sender's address, but I think is OK to emphasize in the closing paragraph. Have a nice recess!
ReplyDeleteMy dearest best friend, I feel that you have an extremely colourful application letter and that this would be advantageous in helping you to secure the job. Also your paragraphs are clear and concise. This makes it an attractive application letter to read. However I find that you make use of too many 'I's in your application letter. You made the exact same mistakes that I did. Not a big surprise because best friends always do the same thing anyway;)
ReplyDelete