The intercultural ‘scenario’ you’re about to read is one that is
relatively lengthy but very close to my heart. It is not a description of a
single juncture in time, but rather a story of the seemingly unlikely union of
two people.
As many couples would attest, marriage is hard work. It takes a significant
amount of effort to overcome personal differences and make sacrifices and compromises.
Different people have different backgrounds in terms of family structure,
financial stability, education, beliefs and ideals. Interracial couples have additional,
more inherent differences such as skin color, language, religious beliefs and so forth. Apart from that, interracial couples may have to deal with the added
burden of negative stereotypes and derogatory comments by people who are not as
open-minded to the idea of interracial relationships.
What makes an interracial marriage work? Before we go into that, let me introduce you to two very special people.
What makes an interracial marriage work? Before we go into that, let me introduce you to two very special people.
Ravinder Singh
Ravinder was born in Singapore in the late 1950’s to a humble
Punjabi family. His father had come from India a few years before, and was
struggling to make ends meet by starting up his own clothing business. Ravinder
was English educated all his life. Even in those days in Singapore, it was
mandatory for students to read a second language. At that time, Punjabi was not
offered as a language, and many non-Tamil Indians in Singapore learned Malay as
their second language. Ravinder is also able to speak colloquial Punjabi. Ravinder
eventually made his way to NUS in the late 1970’s. Upon graduation, he began practicing as a lawyer, and continued to do so for the next 30 years.
Grace Tan
Grace was born in Singapore in the 1960’s into a wealthy Chinese family. Grace was brought up by her great-grandmother—a woman who was the epitome of class and refinement. As a young girl, Grace was an unwitting student in her great-grandmother’s home-based ‘finishing school’, where she learnt to always be gentle, well-mannered and cultured. Grace spoke almost no English while growing up as she was Chinese educated. She could speak a variety of Chinese dialects, as well as Malay.
Grace was born in Singapore in the 1960’s into a wealthy Chinese family. Grace was brought up by her great-grandmother—a woman who was the epitome of class and refinement. As a young girl, Grace was an unwitting student in her great-grandmother’s home-based ‘finishing school’, where she learnt to always be gentle, well-mannered and cultured. Grace spoke almost no English while growing up as she was Chinese educated. She could speak a variety of Chinese dialects, as well as Malay.
Grace and Ravinder met each other in the 1980's. They dated for a couple of years, and when they decided to tie the knot, their decision was met with resistance from both their families. Both families held deeply-rooted stereotypes about the other’s race. Grace’s family thought that Indian men were excessive drinkers who beat their wives, and Ravinder’s family thought that all Chinese people were gamblers. However, Grace and Ravinder were determined to get married, and in April 1989, they tied the knot.
If you haven’t already guessed it, Grace and Ravinder are my
parents. As you can infer from the descriptions above, my parents come from
very different backgrounds. In terms of race, language, religion, and even
social backgrounds, my parents are nearly diametric opposites. So how did they
manage to establish a relationship that defied the general norms of Singaporean
couples in the 1980’s? Also, how did they manage to overcome the various religious,
cultural and language barriers that had the potential to tear them apart?
Throughout the years, my parents have been through thick and thin together. From raising four wonderful children (hehehehe) to battling cancer, my parents have always stood by each other, and the issue of race and culture is almost never an issue. As a child, I never saw my parents as ‘Indian father’ and ‘Chinese mother’. In fact, if it wasn’t for the multitudes of questions and comments about my ethnicity, I wouldn’t even have realized that a biracial marriage was a big deal. Of course, as I grew older, I began to see things in a different light, and it finally hit me that my parents probably had to make quite a number of sacrifices in order to get and stay married. I’ve listed a few below.
#1: Language
When my parents met in the 1980’s, mom spoke minimal English,
and she had no choice but to brush up on her English in order to hold a
conversation with my father. Today, she is fluent in the language. In this
respect, mom had to make special effort to pick up a language which was
considered ‘foreign’ to her at the time.
Also, while my siblings and I are all
able to speak and write Mandarin pretty fluently, we know almost no Punjabi. My
Punjabi grandparents have to speak to us in English, and they often express
their disappointment at their grandchildren not being able to communicate with
them in our ‘rightful’ mother tongue. However, my father decided that it was
best for us study Mandarin instead of Punjabi, as he felt that it was a more useful
in Singapore. (Most Punjabis in Singapore speak English anyway).
#2: Religion
Another hot button issue I think many interracial/interreligious
couples face is the religion (if any) in which their children should be raised.
My mom was raised Buddhist and my dad was raised Sikh. To the surprise of many
of my friends, both my parents are very tolerant and supportive of each other’s
religions. I don’t ever recall my parents ever arguing having conflicts of
interests in terms of which religion we should subscribe to. My siblings and I
visit both the Buddhist and Sikh temples with my parents and I honestly cannot
choose one religion over the other.
#3: Holidays
Many people also ask me about the holidays I celebrate. I count
myself very fortunate as I celebrate Chinese New Year and Deepavali (as well as many other Chinese and Indian holidays throughout the year).
Of course there are countless other issues, but I can only
describe so many. To sum up, my parents had to make quite a number of
sacrifices and compromises in order to overcome their cultural and racial
differences. However, I feel very blessed that I’ve been exposed to both Chinese
and Indian cultures equally. My parents have made special efforts to ensure that
we are proud of both our Chinese and Indian heritages.
Today, interracial marriages are becoming increasingly common (approximately
17% of all marriages in Singapore in 2007 were interracial*) and many
Singaporeans are becoming more receptive to the idea of marrying someone of a
different race. Personally, I feel that this is a positive step towards racial and
cultural understanding and harmony. However, there are still many who will fervently
disagree. Still, interracial marriages are inevitable and will probably only
increase in frequency, given the pervading forces of globalization and
borderless communication. If we continue to hold on to unfounded stereotypes
and unfair generalizations of different cultures, we will simply be alienating
ourselves from the eventual ‘cosmopolitan culture’ of the future.
This April, my parents will be celebrating their 23rd
wedding anniversary. I want to dedicate this blog post to them. Their love and
support for each other has touched and inspired me, and has reaffirmed my faith
that cultural and racial differences need not be a barrier to any relationship.
*References:
